


Hold Me Tight

by Louffox



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Apocalypse Husbands, Body Dysphoria, But Not Graphic Dysphoria, Chocolate, Comfort, Drabble, Howard Can Be Softe, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Mentions of Sex, No graphic sex, Pre-Established Relationship, Trans Male Character, Trans!Barnes, not smutty, period
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:26:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24151285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louffox/pseuds/Louffox
Summary: Barnes doesn't need to get sick, he doesn't need help, he just needs to apologize and go to sleep.
Relationships: Commander Barnes/Howard Carter (Rusty Quill Gaming)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 50





	Hold Me Tight

**Author's Note:**

> CW mentions of a trans!male experiencing life with a uterus and all the shit that comes with it, swearing, mentions of having sex but fade to black/no actual smut

“Are you getting ill?” Carter asked, when Barnes got up to go blow his nose for the third time that morning.

“I think so,” he said mournfully, washing his hands. “And of course Zolf is in quarantine for the next five days.”

“Can’t Wilde give some healing magic a go? He’s gotta have at least one or two up his sleeve.”

“I’ve seen him heal cuts, yeah, and that one time he closed up that heffing big sword slash up Zolf’s back, but then he passed out, and Zolf did find out later he was still bleeding inside.”

“Oh. He looked fine to me.”

Barnes made a face at him. “I’d rather not try it. I’ll just get through this. I don’t get sick that often, I suppose I’m due.”

Carter rolled his eyes as Barnes sat back down across from him. In one of those quick movements he sometimes did- when he went from one place to another without any visible in between, bloody helpful during a fight, bloody annoying at home- he went from sitting to leaned over Barnes, lips on his forehead.

“Hey!” Barnes cried indignantly, flinching back. “Don’t you go get yourself sick too!”

“Pretty sure if you’re sick, I’ve already been exposed or whatever,” Carter scoffed, catching his chin and tugging him back in. He let his mouth rest on Barnes’s hairline for a few seconds, and the old commander grudgingly relaxed. Perhaps even enjoyed it a bit. He wasn’t about to admit it, though.

“Don’t feel warm to me.”

“Thanks, then I’m sure I’m fine,” Barnes said dryly.

That evening, when Carter slid under the sheets beside him, and then slid over him as well, lying himself smartly against him, from the joints of his toes to the swell of his sternum, Barnes decided he was probably right, had already been exposed, so there was no harm in getting a bit of pleasure before he got properly ill. Or maybe he hadn’t been ill after all, his symptoms had faded by lunchtime.

When Carter dragged his body down him while dragging his trousers down as well, he realized he hadn’t been getting ill.

He’d been getting something else instead.

Carter’s eyes were big as he looked up at him from the bloodsoaked cloth.

“Well, fuck,” Barnes groaned, letting his head drop back and putting his face in his elbow. He thrashed out from under Carter, who slipped to the side easily, letting him pull his pants back up and stagger from the room.

He closed the door to their washroom and dropped his face against it, grimacing silently.  _ Blast _ . He had to take care of this. Get himself cleaned up. His clothes. Check and see what supplies he even had around. Make things work.

He squeezed his eyes tightly closed, letting himself hate this for just a few more seconds.  _ Just another minute. Just a few seconds. I’ll do it. Just in a second. _

_ I hate this _ .

When he emerged from the washroom, his trousers and pants soaking in the tub, washed and scrubbed and smelling of the best soap he could find. He was always so scent-sensitive, he hated feeling like he could smell himself, everything made him nauseous when he was like this- and it was like the sight of blood had suddenly woken  _ all _ the symptoms up. His pelvis and thighs ached, he felt groggy and disoriented and depressed, disgusted with himself-

_ I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Howard. Howard, I’m sorry. Let’s just go to bed. Let’s just forget about this. Don’t worry about it. I can still take care of you. Someone should feel good tonight and it’s not- no, that’s too dark. Just apologize and make him feel good _ , he decided as he mentally rehearsed what to say to Carter.

He was not expecting to find him sitting on the bed holding the softest blanket in the inn, two mugs of steaming hot chocolate sitting on the bedside table, beating him to the punch with a quick, heartfelt, “I’m sorry.” His eyes were wide and sympathetic as he continued, “I didn’t realize you still- I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable. We can just not talk about it, if you want. Or we can. Whatever. I just want you to be comfortable.”

Barnes realized his mouth was hanging open and shut it quickly. And then opened it again. “I. Uh.”

“Come to bed? Do you need any help with laundry, or- or anything? I don’t mind. I’m not afraid of blood,” he said with an earnest upturn of the mouth.

Barnes began silently crying.

“Shit- no, no, I’m sorry, what did I-?”

But Barnes was shaking his head, scattering tears. He dropped foward into his arms, letting Carter wrap them both in the blanket. It was incredibly soft, warm, and smelled like it had been freshly laundered.

“How did you wash and warm this so fast? I was only in there for fifteen minutes or so?” Barnes said, starting to laugh even as he cried. It wasn’t what he needed to say, but it was all he could manage.

“I traded Wilde a bottle of Malbec for a quick bit of magical help. And promised him we wouldn’t have loud sex tonight. But we can if you want, I’ll take whatever he throws at me. I just told him whatever I thought he wanted to hear, I don’t really care if we’re quiet, if you still want.”

Barnes gripped him tightly. His fingers were probably digging painfully into his back, and he was rather smothering himself in his shoulder, but he needed to hug him with everything he had, trying to express his love with sheer pressure and squeezing physicality. “I love you,” he laughed. “I love you so much.”

“So- is there anything I can do?” Carter murmured into his hair.

“No. No, Howard, you’re perfect. This is perfect,” Barnes mumbled into his skin.

He felt Carter’s lips on his scalp and held him still tighter.

**Author's Note:**

> for my riders <3


End file.
